Tuesday, 23 February 2016

What About The Ugly?

I'm nearing the end of month two, of my 6 Fast.
Once I finally made the decision to actually go through with it, my worship Pastor did the math and told me that,
 "Purchasing 6 personal items, and 6 decorative items over the next year would work out 1 item each every two months."
Look, it's not that I couldn't figure that out myself, it's just that I hadn't bothered to do the breakdown that way.
I was just thinking "6 things each for an entire year!"
 But, I'm glad he said that, because it totally put the whole 6 Fast into something I can contend with.
And, so far, so good.
I've purchased 1 item each.
I'm feeling reasonably stable so far.........
Here's the thing.
Almost from the beginning, I've realized that my 6 Fast is just a start of something more to come.
I know there is more to come.
I just really believe that God is starting a shakedown in my life.
Over this next year, I believe that the way my life looks is going to change. Inside and out.
I believe He is wanting to do a major over-haul, a huge transformation if you will, within my heart.
I think when that happens, that transformation will be made evident outwardly.
And I'm not really sure what to do with that.
I'm afraid of it actually happening.
But I'm even more afraid that it won't.
I have all these ideas rolling around in my head, of what this might look like. (They are probably all wrong.)
And I just want it all to happen right now.
I want the fruit right now.
I'm just so anxious about this.
I'm worried that if He takes too long to over-haul me, I will mess it up.
And I don't want to mess it up.
I just can't do status-quo any longer.
I'm desperate.
For more of Jesus.
And less of me.

Friends, I need you to know something.
I need you to know how difficult it is for me to lay my heart bare before you.
It would be so easy for me to write all of this down and keep it to myself throughout this coming year.
I could wait and see if it ended up being a pretty picture before I showed it to you.
I could hide all of the ugly parts. (Because I know there will be ugly parts.)
Or, I could just share the ugly parts that I will have seen be made beautiful.
It's so much easier to share ugly parts when they have been redeemed.
And then, I could show you the "me" that has it all together.
But right now, I don't have it all together.
Right now, I really have no idea how this is going to turn out.
I don't know where this journey is going to lead me.
I'm just walking it.
And I might mess it up.
Actually, I will most definitely mess it up.
But, I just want you to see me as I really am.
Hungry for Jesus.
Maybe you are, too.
We could walk this road together.