Wednesday, 2 March 2016

I Knew It!

       
 
So, it happened.
In my post What About The Ugly? I stated that I would "most definitely" mess this up.
(Referring to my 6 Fast.)
And I did.
And it's only March 1st for crying out loud!
And the mess up happened yesterday, February 29.
So, I couldn't even make it two whole months without messing up!
 
(I blame this whole mess up thing on the leap year.
 Who really needs an extra day to mess things up, anyway?!?)
 
Right from the start of 6, I had concluded that buying flowers during the Summer
was not going to count as part of my 6.
We are still landscaping,
(and probably will be for the rest of our lives!)
and purchasing flowers is part of that process.
So, yesterday, while I was in Walmart with my mom,
I was completely enamoured with the potted Spring flowers.
Tulips.
And daffodils.
They were so pretty!
And I coveted them.
 I figured that I could plant the bulbs outside in the Fall so they would grow for next year,
which would technically be deemed as landscaping, so,
I bought them.
 
 
They were so pretty in my home!
 
 
And I loved them.
 
But here's the problem.
When I was getting ready to take a picture of them,
I noticed that the little tag thingy said,
"indoor".
 
 
And I was like,
"What???"
"What does that mean?
Indoor.
So, are these not meant for outside purposes, like, at all?!?"
And I started stressing.
Because, if they are solely for indoor, than it would need to count as one of my 6 purchases for the year.
Because, flowers are strictly decorative.
And I did not want one of my 6 purchases to be two, $2.50 plants.
That will only last for a month.
If I'm lucky.
Seriously.
So, I thought,
"Well, I'll just plant them outside anyway,
( 'cause that would still be considered landscaping!)
and just hope that they grow."
But,
My heart didn't feel right about it.
And, in all honesty,
I didn't truly feel right about it when I bought them.
 
Here's the thing, people.
This whole 6 Fast isn't about rules and regulations for me.
It is about my heart condition.
It is about my Father wanting to transform my heart into a much better reflection of His.
It is about my deep, deep desire to also want that change.
Like David, I want to be a person after God's own heart.
I long to walk in obedience.
I'm walking a path that has been laid before my feet,
 but I can't see past the next bend.
And this whole 6 Fast has no written guidelines for me to follow.
I'm trying so hard to do this right.
But, yesterday, I ignored the niggle in the back of my brain.
And now, today, that niggle had become a lot more persistent.
And I really struggled with this.
My heart was heavy.
 
And so, I laid my failure before the Lord.
And as I sat with Him,
the words from a song we sang in church on Sunday made their way into my heart.
 
"Lord, I Need You"
Lord, I come, I confess
Bowing here I find my rest
Without You I fall apart
You're the One that guides my heart

Lord, I need You, oh, I need You
Every hour I need You
My one defense, my righteousness
Oh God, how I need You

Where sin runs deep Your grace is more
Where grace is found is where You are
And where You are, Lord, I am free
Holiness is Christ in me

Lord, I need You, oh, I need You
Every hour I need You
My one defense, my righteousness
Oh God, how I need You

Teach my song to rise to You
When temptation comes my way
And when I cannot stand I'll fall on You
Jesus, You're my hope and stay

Lord, I need You, oh, I need You
Every hour I need You
My one defense, my righteousness
Oh God, how I need You

You're my one defense, my righteousness
Oh God, how I need You
My one defense, my righteousness
Oh God, how I need You
 
And in that moment, I felt His grace wash over me.
 I messed up.
But, where, my sin runs deep,
His grace is more.
And where grace is found,
is where He is.
And that was so where I needed to be.
In His presence.
And in those moments, I decided I would give those flowers away.
It just felt like the right thing to do.
And I found peace in that.
Because, yes,
while I did mess up in my 6,
it didn't have to derail me.
In fact, through that mess up,
and though this may seem ridiculous to you,
through the pain of that struggle,
I experienced Jesus.
And really, like I've said,
that's the whole point of my doing this fast anyway.





A half hour after I'd made the decision to give those flowers away,

 
Jason walked through the front door with this.
 
And my heart exploded.