Friday, 10 June 2016

Seeking The Giver

I have somehow gotten off track.
Not with my 6 Fast, 
But, with the point of it.
Somewhere in the midst of this steep learning curve,
in the over-whelming gravity of my selfishness,
through grief,
through disappointment.........
in anger,
in un-answered prayer,
I have gotten distracted.
I have totally turned this experience into something about me.
And it was never meant to be about me.
I mean, I am the one who is doing the changing.
I am the one whose learning. (Or at least, I think I'm learning.)
I'm doing the 6 Fast......
I'm the one trying to eat the entire proverbial elephant........
So it really feels like this is about me.
But it's not.
It's not about me at all.
Well, I guess it is, in a small sense......
It is about me becoming less.
And Him becoming more.
The whole point of doing this 6 Fast was to focus on Him.
But, it seems I've been focussed entirely on myself.
My mind has been consumed with things I need to change.
I constantly think about how I will never be able figure this out.
I have tried to come up with ideas, and plans,
strategies and lists that will get me on the right track.
I've read books, and on-line articles about true fasting. 
I've berated myself for my failures.
I've complained to my girlfriend about how difficult this has been.
I've cried to my mother. (That's what we do, right?)
And she listened.
She heard my heart.

"Seek the Giver, Melinda."
That's what she said.

You see, in the midst of all of this learning, I've also been asking God for a gift.
A good gift.
A spiritual gift.
A gift I believe He gave me the desire for in the first place.
I've been seeking it.
Asking Him for it.
Longing for it.
But it has not come.
I've almost given up hope.

"Seek the Giver, Melinda, not the gift."

And that's where I've gotten off track.

With regard to this gift from Him, that's what I've been doing.
Seeking the gift, rather than seeking Him.

And it hit me, these last few days, that's what I'm doing with my 6 Fast.
I'm seeking understanding.
I'm seeking results.
I'm seeking "becoming the me I want to be".
All of them, good things.

But, I don't want just good.
I want best.

So, I should be seeking Him.

If I truly want to become less, (and I do)
then I should focus on Jesus, rather than on myself.
Makes sense.
Makes a lot of sense.
Easier said than done, though.
There's a lot of self that needs to go.
My pride gets in the way.
My hurt feelings, because God isn't doing what I think He should be doing, get in the way.
Which is all about me.
Will I ever get this right?

Even that is about me.
“O God, you are my God, earnestly I seek you; my soul thirsts for you, my body longs for you, in a dry and weary land where there is no water. I have seen you in the sanctuary and beheld your power and your glory. Because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you. I will praise you as long as I live, and in your name I will lift up my hands. My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods; with singing lips my mouth will praise you. On my bed I remember you; I think of you through the watches of the night. Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.  My soul clings to you; your right hand upholds me” (Psalm 63:1-8).
“Whom have I in heaven but you?  And earth has nothing I desire besides you.  My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever” (Psalm 73:26-26).
“How lovely is your dwelling place, O Lord Almighty!  My soul yearns, even faints, for the courts of the LORD; my heart and my flesh cry out for the living God.  Even the sparrow has found a home, and the swallow a nest for herself, where she may have her young — a place near your altar, O LORD Almighty, my King and my God.  Blessed are those who dwell in your house; they are ever praising you… Better is one day in your courts than a thousand elsewhere; I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God than dwell in the tents of the wicked” (Psalm 84:1-4, 10).
O Lord.
Will You ever get tired of hearing me ask for the same things over, and over again?
Will You grow weary of watching me make the same mistakes. day after day?
O Lord,
Do not grow weary.
Do not get tired.
Continue, O Lord, to hear me when I call.
Though I fall;
Over and over again I fall;
My heart's desire is for You.
Above all else,
 I desire You.
Help me, O Lord,
above all else.
To desire You.